Yesterday my older sister told me she was pregnant with her third child. Those of you who have read my blog and followed my journey will know and hopefully understand that this news wasn’t easy for me to hear, and I feel exceptionally selfish admitting that.
It goes without saying that I am thrilled for my sister and her family about this exciting news, but at the same time it just further shines a spotlight on my personal situation. I know how difficult it must have been for her to tell me her exciting news, news that to be honest….. I had already figured out. Last time I was home she hadn’t been drinking, was a little bit moody which is very out of character and was exceptionally sick in a way I have only ever seen her been before and that was when she was pregnant the first time around, so I knew that it was likely she was pregnant. maybe that’s why I called her to have a chat, to give her the opportunity to tell me what I had already figured out. I didn’t want it to be difficult for her to tell me something she was obviously so happy about and I didn’t want to find out another way. How would I be a good sister to her if I didn’t share in her joy and be there for her like she has been there for me particularly over the past few years as I have been on this egg freezing journey?
I think today as I think about her news what I feel most sad about is that she didn’t feel she could tell me, that she had to protect me from the hurt. She told me over the past 18 months she had had two miscarriages and she had to experience the pain of that without the support of me, her sister and her friend. That breaks my heart. I haven’t been a good sister or friend to her and feel exceptionally selfish for that. There will always be news from friends and family all around that relates to preganancy or having a child and if I never end up having children this topic will likely always be hard for me personally to digest, not because I am not thrilled for them but because it just shines a light on my own personal sorrow. I hope over time It will have less of an impact of sadness on me and be more of a joyous occasion and one that I personally come to terms with. One thing I do know however is that I never don’t want to be a good friend of hear about this exciting news from anyone I care about, even if it is painful for me to personally digest.
Maybe the journey I am on was sent to humble me, to show me I’m not invinceable and that sometimes we can’t always have what we want.