Month: September 2017

Resilience

Posted on by Egg Girl

Round 19

I have come to learn that the sadness one experiences from a failed round of egg freezing  is thankfully for me short lived. It’s complete devastation initially when I hear the bad news and think about what I have just put my body through for the past 14-16 days for a fruitless outcome, then I move onto the hundreds of thousands of pounds that have literally been flushed down the toilet with nothing to show for them….then for me I have a good cry, mourn what might have been, feel sorry for myself at least for the remainder of the day while the anesthetic wears off and I feel drowsy and then…. I pull myself together, regroup, get strong again physically and mentally and make a plan for what’s next.

This is what I’ve done for the past 18 months and it’s served me pretty well. Resilience is something I’ve grown to admire about myself. I’ve always had it instilled in me from a child and it’s definitely grown within me over the past 18 months. I find it best to try and not dwell on what could or should have been and focus on what’s next.

This approach until now has been….. not easy, that would be a lie, but it’s been doable, I think in part to my loving network of friends and family and because I haven’t had many side effects post procedure, so it’s just get those horrid hormones out of my body as quickly as possible (hot yoga helps) and move on.

This time however thing have been different, very different, in a number of ways and it has made it so much harder to just pick myself up and soldier on.

Firstly there is the disappointment with the clinic. I feel that I didn’t receive the level of service, expertise and care that I had paid for and that mistakes were made which cost me emotionally and financially and it seems physically, which brings me to my second reason and that is the sheer physical pain I experienced about 4 hours after the procedure.

I now know that I didn’t initially feel this pain because I had been given painkillers Intravenously while I was under sedation, but 4 hours later when those pain meds had worn off I was experiencing a whole world of pain.

I was at home resting, talking to a friend when I had this sudden urge to throw up and had sever abdominal cramps. I ran to the bathroom where I sat for 10 minutes waiting to see if I would throw up or could even get up.

I managed to get myself to the sofa where I lay for 3 hours in the fetal position barely able to move, not knowing what was going on.

It was deep stomach pains around my belly button and the only way to deal with the pain was to buckle over. I had not experienced anything like this before post egg collection or ever. It felt like my stomach was filled with stomach acid and it was most definitely swollen. I’d had bloating post procedure before but nothing like this. I immediately went freezing cold and had a stinking headache, not knowing if I was going to beable to fly home later that night. What was different this time? What had happened? Was this because the Pregnl (trigger shot)hadn’t been in my system long enough, so they had to try harder to get the eggs? Was this OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome)?

Of course googling is the worst thing you can do but I needed to find out what was going on. Maybe my body was just telling me to stop. I’ve felt so strong lately, maybe this was the universe’s way of making me quit?

i decided to go to the airport and try and make my flight, the airline had told me that I couldn’t change it or cancel it so it was fly or loose the flight.

I thought if I can just get back to the uae. Sleep on the plane then hopefully I would feel better when I woke. I hadn’t slept much in the last few nights so I knew my body was tired and I do know pumping your body full or hormones doesn’t help the immune system at all.

I arrived in the uae at 8am having slept from take off to landing. I woke to find the pains were still there and maybe even more intense. I had been due to go straight to work and I know my doctor wouldn’t be at work yet so I went to work for an hour before heading to see my UAE doctor (Dr Greg) at 9.30am.

Dr Greg had been away for 6 weeks on holiday so hadn’t know what had been going on with me…. god I was glad to see him  he has been my saving grace through this whole process and been the one consistent

i told him what had happened and about the pain I was in and immediately he examined me and scanned me  He was appalled at what happened and suggested I tell the U.K. Clinic that they shouldn’t charge me for that last round as a) they should have definitely triggered me earlier and b) the trigger shot needs 36 hour not 16!

upon examining me he announced that the good news was that there was currently no fluid in my ovaries which was a good sign, if that happens it’s bad news  he did at however that my stomach was exceptionally swollen and it was important I start on antibiotics asap along with some pain medication  His guess was that the needle had pieces my bladder or stomach which is why I was experiencing so much pain he did think that within 24-48 hours I would be feeling so much better and advised me if I didn’t or started feeling nauseous or getting a fever to come back immediately

i had also emailed the U.K. Clinic asking them if they had done anything differently this time because I was experiencing all this pain  they mentioned that they did have to push quite hard on my stomach to get to the follicles so maybe that had caused the pain

it is now two days on and I do feel much much better, still not back to normal and my stomach is still painful but lower down in my abdominal now plus because my immune system is shot I’m starting to get a cold, throat, nose and glands are all telling me to give my body a break

The pain and discomfort I have experienced over the past few days has shifted my focus from sadness as to the outcome of this past round and more on figuring out how I can shake this and get back to feeling sting and in control of my health again

I’m actually flying to the USA this evening for a holiday  whilst flying is probably the last thing I need to be doing right now I am excited to get some much needed R&R so I can finish this break feeling strong and like “I’ve got this whole” body packing in on me thing. Fingers crossed I’ll be back to top shape in no time. It has been a very strange and rather stressful round that I hope not to repeat ever.

Searching for the positives

Posted on by Egg Girl

Round 19

I wanted to give myself every possible chance to become a mum, but maybe it’s just not in the cards for me.

As I look back at my egg freezing journey in totality, I wonder if I should have accepted this fact right from the start, or if putting myself through the past 18 months will one day be worth it.  If only I could predict the future.

Things were looking so positive for this round. Finally with four good size follicles ready to be collected this past weekend this was the light at the end of my egg freezing tunnel that I’d been waiting for. But with, yet again, seeing a new doctor in the U.K. Clinic (that’s four different doctors in 18 months!) it meant that they didn’t know me or my history and so instead of listening to me when I told them that waiting for collection until Wednesday was going to end in disaster, they told me to trust them, they knew best!

And so, here I am Tuesday morning and disaster has become reality, as I predicted.  When they put me under to collect the eggs, which was actually scheduled for Wednesday, but had to be done as an emergency Tuesday morning due to my LH level being elevated, I had already ovulated before they could collect or freeze any eggs.

I’m not even angry, I’m simply exceptionally disappointed and feel very sad and alone. I’m disappointed that despite telling them that this didn’t feel right to wait, they told me to trust them and that all would be ok.

The only thing the doctor said post procedure was that I’m too old and that this is what happens at my age and that I should give up. I love the deflection of responsibility for what happened. It couldn’t possibly have been his fault for not listening to me. It had to be my age and my body that was to blame.

I am trying hard to understand why at times life can be just so cruel. I am trying to look beyond today and this very moment in my life and I’m trying to see what could possibly be the meaning of it all for me. It takes me full circle to a realization that maybe being a mum is not in my destiny…. maybe I’m here on this planet for something else, something else that I can’t yet see, but hopefully with time I will.

As I search for the positives (whilst trying not to dwell on the negatives) of this whole experience I see a few things…. I see my parents who have loved and supported me during the ups and downs. I see my sister and her husband who have been my rocks, I see my niece and nephew who have been a welcome distraction when it’s been needed the most and I see my newest little niece, only a few day old, to which I am a godmother, who has filled my last few days with cuddles and hope. I see friends and work colleagues who want this for me, I think as much as I do, and I see that whilst things are dark for me in this very moment, that there is in fact light in my future.  This journey has shown me I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and it’s continually defining me as a person and the way I look at life.

To those of you out there that have and still do continually love and support me, I thank you from the bottom of my currently fractured heart.

How do I know more than my doctor?

Posted on by Egg Girl

Round 19

Its Monday evening and egg collection was scheduled for this Wednesday morning. That was what I was told at my scan this morning, however at 4pm today I got a call from the UK clinic to tell me to take the trigger shot immediately as they just got my blood tests back and I am already starting to ovulate.

The scan this morning showed three good sized follicles on the left 21mm and 15mm and on the right 18mm.  After my scan on Friday I raised my concern with my doctor in the UK that I needed to have a scan on Sunday and have a blood test then also as I thought that waiting until Monday to trigger would be too late.  I was told on Friday that absolutely not and that I should come back Monday.  I reiterated my concern of leaving it until Monday.  The only constant in this whole process has been me and I know my body better than anyone else and I knew waiting to trigger Monday evening was going to be too late.  The Doctor said the best he could do was do a scan on Saturday as he was already working that day so I could come in for a scan then.

I did go for a scan Saturday and the follicles were 17mm, 11mm and 15mm.  I again asked the doctor, shouldn’t I be triggered tonight or latest Sunday night and not wait until Monday.  I was told with absolute certainty that it would be fine to wait until Monday….. and here we are Monday evening and I get the call telling me to come in tomorrow (Tuesday morning) for collection which even if I haven’t already ovulated is going to be unlikely there will be good eggs because the trigger shot needs 36 hours to work and i have only been able to give it about 18!

Obviously I am trying to stay calm and hopeful but inside I am livid.  Livid because I knew this was going to happen, I told the doctor who was yet again a new doctor that this was going to happen and no one listened to me despite me telling him over and over again that i had done this almost 20 times and knew that Monday was going to be too late.  No words can describe how I feel right now as I put my nieces and nephews to bed trying to keep myself busy, trying not to think about just how devastated I am likely to be tomorrow morning.

I have told them to scan me prior to putting me under because I do not want to be put under if I have already ovulated.  I am dreading that appointment but in my heart I already know it is too late and I don’t think I can take any more.  I don’t think my body or my emotional well being can do this any more.  It is too soul destroying and I think I need to just accept that having a child may well just not be in my cards.  It really shouldn’t be quite this hard and I really shouldn’t be telling the doctors how to do their job when I am paying them such an astronomical amount of money.

And so tonight I go to bed dreading what tomorrow will bring. I so wanted this chapter of egg freezing to be over.

Full Circle

Posted on by Egg Girl

Round 19

Over the past few months there have been a few rounds I have started and cancelled for one reason or another, in fact looking back the last time I got any eggs at all was in February this year. I have been trying for months now just to use this last round from the package I purchased with my U.K. Clinic and things haven’t worked for one reason or another. I had almost given up hope that they would to be honest. I knew as I got older it would get harder and it was hard when I started so I though, having had 6 months with no success, that that was it….. it was time for me to walk away and just be happy with the 15 eggs I have already frozen and forget the last round I had paid for with my U.K. Clinic.

This round I was thinking would be my last, my body is tired and I’m ready to start living not living on eggs shells. So I went into this round with an open mind but in all honesty not being too hopeful.

5 days into stimulation and things weren’t looking great. Dr Greg is away so I have had to see another doctor in the UAE. She has been lovely but seeing a new doctor who doesn’t know me is always hard when you are doing something like this.

7 days into stimulation I went back to see the doctor not hugely hopeful that I would be making the trip to the U.K. For any collection this time and things were looking up. With three follicles in the double digits the doctor believed things were happening and was hopeful. A holiday in the UAE making it a 3 day weekend meant that flying to the U.K. For a scam and bloods on the Friday was important if we were going to get the collection date right, so rather than having a weekend of yoga and relaxation I’m sitting at the airport U.K. bound for hopefully the last time for this reason. I have said it before but I really am ready for this chapter to be over.

Thr timing of my trip couldn’t be better, because today my older sister had her third baby, a healthy little girl who I can’t wait to meet tomorrow when I arrive, just one day old. The timing of this trips feels like I have literally come full circle, I started this journey 18 months ago, and now here I am at round 19 off to the UK to meet my new niece hopeful so that I to will one day have this amazing amazing experience that my sister is having today of welcoming a new little person she has created into this big wide world. I think whatever happens at the end of this round I will beable to say I have done all that I can to give myself as much chance as possible and that, I think, is all that I can ask of myself.

I don’t know what the next few days will hold for me but I am hopeful that within the next week I will be in a position to close the egg freezing chapter of my fertility journey . Then I need to decide if I am going to keep waiting for Mr Right or try and go it alone with a sperm donor.  I think it’s time for the next chapter, this one has taken a lot longer than expected.