Round 19

I wanted to give myself every possible chance to become a mum, but maybe it’s just not in the cards for me.

As I look back at my egg freezing journey in totality, I wonder if I should have accepted this fact right from the start, or if putting myself through the past 18 months will one day be worth it.  If only I could predict the future.

Things were looking so positive for this round. Finally with four good size follicles ready to be collected this past weekend this was the light at the end of my egg freezing tunnel that I’d been waiting for. But with, yet again, seeing a new doctor in the U.K. Clinic (that’s four different doctors in 18 months!) it meant that they didn’t know me or my history and so instead of listening to me when I told them that waiting for collection until Wednesday was going to end in disaster, they told me to trust them, they knew best!

And so, here I am Tuesday morning and disaster has become reality, as I predicted.  When they put me under to collect the eggs, which was actually scheduled for Wednesday, but had to be done as an emergency Tuesday morning due to my LH level being elevated, I had already ovulated before they could collect or freeze any eggs.

I’m not even angry, I’m simply exceptionally disappointed and feel very sad and alone. I’m disappointed that despite telling them that this didn’t feel right to wait, they told me to trust them and that all would be ok.

The only thing the doctor said post procedure was that I’m too old and that this is what happens at my age and that I should give up. I love the deflection of responsibility for what happened. It couldn’t possibly have been his fault for not listening to me. It had to be my age and my body that was to blame.

I am trying hard to understand why at times life can be just so cruel. I am trying to look beyond today and this very moment in my life and I’m trying to see what could possibly be the meaning of it all for me. It takes me full circle to a realization that maybe being a mum is not in my destiny…. maybe I’m here on this planet for something else, something else that I can’t yet see, but hopefully with time I will.

As I search for the positives (whilst trying not to dwell on the negatives) of this whole experience I see a few things…. I see my parents who have loved and supported me during the ups and downs. I see my sister and her husband who have been my rocks, I see my niece and nephew who have been a welcome distraction when it’s been needed the most and I see my newest little niece, only a few day old, to which I am a godmother, who has filled my last few days with cuddles and hope. I see friends and work colleagues who want this for me, I think as much as I do, and I see that whilst things are dark for me in this very moment, that there is in fact light in my future.  This journey has shown me I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and it’s continually defining me as a person and the way I look at life.

To those of you out there that have and still do continually love and support me, I thank you from the bottom of my currently fractured heart.