Round 20

This journey seems to be one hurdle after another. The minute you think you have passed over the final hurdle another one pops up so unexpectedly and confronts you like a train wreck right before your eyes.

I’m a planner…. always have been. I like to plan for what’s ahead and it’s times like these that I am reminded that life does not always go to plan and that life happens to us and we can often not control the outcome however much we try.

This was to be my last round of egg freezing just a couple more eggs and I could start to focus on other aspects of my life. Things were looking good with three follicles all of a good size. At the last scan 2 days ago they were 18mm, 17mm and 15mm. All I had to pray for was that I didn’t ovulate before collection and that there were eggs in the follicles.

I went in for collection today, had a scan and I hadn’t ovulated. I had the procedure and they collected two eggs. I started to feel excited, the end was in sight…. no more injections!

An hour later the embryologist told me that the eggs they collected were not mature. She said they would put them in an incubator and give them another hour or two in the hope they would mature…..

2 hours later I received the call. They had not matured and thus couldn’t be frozen. They didn’t know why or what caused this…. maybe it was the trigger drug that didn’t work, or maybe the follicles weren’t big enough, no one really knows.  The only thing I know is that I’m here again. Sad and confused as to why life can be just so cruel after I’ve been through so much.

I don’t know what comes next for me. I’m trying to regroup, pull myself out of this darkness and find the reason why it seems things have yet again not gone my way.

I will be ok, I always am and I know I should be thankful for the eggs I have but I can’t help but be sad right now and wonder why it seems being a mum may not be in my cards.

Maybe one day this will all make sense to me but now it doesn’t. Right now it feels so desperately unfair and unkind and I feel lost and alone, nothing anyone can say or do to take that feeling away.