Round 23

Round 23 has been an interesting and yet again an unpredictable experience. I mean you can’t make this shit up!!!….. I think all the unknowns have been sent to test me because when you think there couldn’t possible be another curve ball or decision to be made, there is! Its like the never ending journey!

To set the scene…. I have 19 frozen eggs, my number is 20 (don’t ask me why, was just a round number that I though gave me a good solid chance of a pregnancy in the future) and I have one more prepaid round in my package of three rounds with my “new” UK clinic. I am also traveling a lot over the next couple of months and am planning to leave the UAE in May so I really do want this round to be my last round, to get that 20th egg and put this chapter of my egg freezing journey behind me.

Stimulation Starts

Day 3 of my period was Monday 5 February and I went to see my UAE doctor for a scan.  There was one small follicle on the right and one larger one (10mm already) on the left. The doctor put me on 150 IU of Menopur to start stimulation. He asked me to come back on Thursday.

On Thursday the 10mm follicle was at 13mm and not much else was going on. It was…..go away and keep taking the same medication (with the addition of cetrotide on Saturday morning – to stop me ovulating) and come back on Sunday.

On Sunday the follicle was 16mm and so the doctor told me to come back on Monday and then he would make a decision as to which day collection would be.

All this time I had been informing my UK clinic of the progress  I let them know collection would be Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.  At no point did they tell me that any of these days would not be possible.

My blood tests were all indicating that there was an egg in the follicle but as I have learnt only too well there are never any guarantees in tha process.  The dilema I had was, do I continue with this round and try and get one egg and be done with this process, knowing that there would only be one at best, OR do I cancel it and try again next month? Of course part of me knew it was a “no brainer” of course I had to give it a go, but another part of me was seeing all the signs that weren’t good  the follicle was large right from the start, it hadn’t grown that much during stimulation (usually 2mm a day), no other follicles were growing and there was only one follicle and thus only one possible egg.  It was risky.

After a discussion with my UAE doctor I decided to move forward and try and get this one  I didn’t want to look back and regret not trying but I also wanted to be making this decision rationally and I knew right now with all the hormones in my body that it was likely i was going to be making an emotional decision not a rational one.

After my Monday scan the doctor informed me that collection should be Thursday as the follicle was 17mm on Monday.  I quickly emailed my UK clinic to confirm they agreed and went about starting to make plans for travel, time out of work etc.  I was going to travel Wednesday morning to limit my time out of the office but I held off booking my flight until I had confirmation from my UK clinic which I had asked them for urgently.

No Sense of Urgency

SEVEN hours after my email to my UK clinic I got an email saying they couldn’t do Thursday and did I want Wednesday or Friday! Did I want!?!?!? Like this is a “choice” thing….. for anyone who might think it is a ‘choice’ thing…. its not!…. this is a “my body will ovulate when it wants” thing, so asking me what day I might want the collection for was a crazy thing to ask someone especially someone paying two doctors in two different countries for their expertise.

I called my UK clinic to ask then why they couldn’t do the collection Thursday as advised by my UAE doctor.  They told me they just couldn’t, they were too busy!!! I pay this clinic £3500 a round and I see them once during that round, not like every other patient who has 6-8 visits to the doctor during the round! I actually double pay for this privilege,  so the one and only thing I ask my UK clinic for is to beable to do my collection on the day it is required.  It’s not like it’s Chriatmas Day or a national holiday or anything and they knew it may be Thursday, so to only tell me a few hours before I would have to fly with no sense of urgency, has left me exceptionally unimpressed, to put it mildly.

I couldn’t get hold of my UAE doctor to get his opinion as it was now late evening in the UAE, so I told my UK clinic that they were going to have to advise on this and they had better hope for a positive outcome.

They advised Wednesday would be best and so with that in mind I needed to get on a plane tonight. I got the ball rolling, made some calls and bookings and within 5 hours of collection day confirmation I was on a plane to the UK having already taken the trigger shot before I flew (a shot that needs to be taken exactly 36 hours prior to collection).

“Egg Collection” Prayers

I think I asked everyone who knew about my egg freezing journey to say a prayer for me for this collection.  I can’t tell you how much I wanted this to be my last round and I didn’t let myself think about it that way but there was a little part of me that could picture myself celebrating the end but there was also a small part of me that knew deep down this was not going to be a successful trip.

9:30am Wednesday 14 February (Valentine’s Day) was when collection took place.  I came around quickly to be told that they collected one egg.  The nurses all knowing that I only needed one more started to smile and be happy for me.  Me on the other hand knowing I was not out of the woods yet said ‘I can’t be happy until I know that it is mature’.  Secretly I knew if they had collected one that I would be exceptionally unlucky if it wasn’t mature, but then it had been collected earlier than my UAE doctor had recommended so you never know.

The Waiting Game

I waited for a mere 20 minutes and the lovely Embryologist came in to inform me that the egg was in fact NOT mature and thus couldn’t be frozen.  I almost thought to start with she was joking when she told me the news but a few seconds after she said ‘I’m so sorry….’ i realised that this wasn’t a time to joke and she wasn’t joking.  It was bad news.  There was no egg that could be frozen.

Without any ability to stop them, tears started to roll down my face, a lump appeared in my throat and I felt heart broken.  I thought Valentine’s day was ‘heart’ day, not broken heart day, but mine was broken, well and truly shattered today. I was SO close, but am now I am SO far.

I knew I would be ok but I needed a bit of time to regroup and decide if I was going to try and do another round or not.  I think my friends and family think I should stop at 19 but I don’t know.  I don’t need to decide today, today I just need to let myself grieve for what could have been.