It is the eve of 2019 and I am sitting alone in my cosy little apartment in a country where even talking about being a single mum could get me in trouble and I am filled with excitement and hope wondering what 2019 will have in store for me.

Ordinarily on New Years Eve I would be out on the town with friends finding a fitting way to see the new year in with style, but this year I decided to do things differently.  That’s not to say I didn’t have the option to be painting the town red, I could easily have been drinking champagne in some crowded bar hoping to meet Mr Right,  but I decided that I wanted 2019 to be different than all the years that have come before, starting right from the very first minute.  So here I am on my sofa writing this post, shortly to be followed by researching fertility clinics and searching for possible sperm donors!

If someone had told me twenty or even ten years ago that I would be doing that on the eve of 2019 I would have laughed in their face and said ‘me…no way, I will be happily married with a couple of kids by then!’  It is funny how life turns out and how different it is to what you imagined, not better or worse, just so very different.

You see in January this year I gave myself a one year deadline to use my frozen eggs by.  I said to myself that I was going to live life to its fullest in 2018, because if Mr Right hadn’t found me and I wasn’t destined to be a mum quite yet then rather than dwell on the things I couldn’t control, I was going to take full advantage of the things I could. In 2018 there would be no horrid injections, no relationship dramas, plenty of travel and saying yes a lot more things.

I splashed out and bought a red convertible (totally unpractical and slightly impulsive), I spent three months working in San Francisco completely out of my comfort zone and loving every single minute of it, I went to vegas four times in the space of two months and partied like I was a 21 year old rock star, I travelled to new lands and met exceptional people along the way.  I soaked up every single experience as if it were my last. I taught myself to be comfortable in the uncomfortable and not control the outcome.  I worried less and lived more and as such 2018 turned out to be a great year of laughter, life lessons and love.

It is however now time for me start a new chapter in my journey to try and become a mum.  The odds are stacked against me, I was in my 40s when I froze my eggs and if you have read my blog you will know that getting 19 frozen eggs was no easy task for me, so I am going into the next phase of the process with a realistic mindset, knowing that I have to give it a go, but that it may not happen for me and so I need to be open to all possible outcomes.

For me there were initially two very hard milestones to overcome  1) the social acceptability of being a single mum with a donor conceived child (what will friends and family say) and 2) when should I do it? (how long should I hold out hope that I will meet Mr Right and be able to do it with him? What if I wait too long and then it is too late?)

It was early October this year, I don’t know what triggered it but I just felt ready.  I cared less what others thought of my decision and I also stopped trying to see (half jokingly) if ex boyfriends or male friends wanted to be a sperm donor….. I actually wanted to do this alone.  I felt strong enough emotionally, financial stable and that it was just time to give it a go… nothing ventured nothing gained.  I wanted to take control of this situation before it took control of me and so I started researching clinics, donors and moving my eggs to the clinic I decided to use.

I am of course scared of the outcome, in fact I am terrified.  I am a planner you see, I always plan my future, I am in control of what is going to happen and when and with this situation I can’t control the outcome, I have to trust that what will be will be.  If the process is unsuccessful then I have to accept that having my own biological child was not in the cards for me and as a wise person told me recently,  there are other ways to be a parent and have an impact in this world.

So by the end of January 2019 I will have confirmed the clinic I will use for this next chapter, have moved my frozen eggs to this clinic, chosen a sperm donor and confirmed the month that I will try and get pregnant.

So as the clock moves towards midnight and I make some resolutions for 2019 I think the most important one for me next year once I have chosen my clinic and sperm donor is to just relinquish control of the future, close my eyes, breathe calmly and trust that the universe will guide me wherever I am meant to be.

Happy New Year Everyone.