Leaning into the Fear

Posted on by Egg Girl

Covid Caos

COVID-19 hit the world by storm early this year and I think when it did everyone thought ‘lock everything down, give it a few months and we will be able to move on with our lives’. This has most certainly NOT been the case. We are definitely NOT back to the life we once thought was normal and I don’t think we ever will be.

The question for many is do we actually want to be? I know for me I like my new normal. Don’t get me wrong there are certainly challenges to it (not being able to travel freely, see friends and family easily etc) but what these ‘Covid times’ have given me is the chance to slow down, take a breath and find a sense of balance and what is really important in life.

Pre-Covid the next step for me on my ‘trying to become a mum’ journey was to try and travel to Cyprus (where my chosen clinic, frozen eggs and donor sperm are located) this summer with an aim to be pregnant by September this year. Obviously with everything be locked down and travel being virtually impossible this hasn’t happened. The downtime I have spent during lockdown has however given me time to reflect on just how much I want this next step or at least to give it my all in trying and hope that having a biological child is in the cards for me.

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Making a Plan

I have been in regular comms with my clinic to understand the parameters around travel in and out of the country and it seems that the UAE is still on the restricted list, however they are allowing people to travel there for a maximum of three days IF it is for medical reasons and thankfully IVF is deemed medical, so I am now able to get to Cyprus albeit with some logistics and challenges whilst getting in and out. So what am I waiting for you are probably asking…. if i know 100% i want to give this a go, i have accepted it is going to be with donor sperm (not with a partner i had hoped to find by this time in my life) why aren’t i there right now giving it a go!?

I wish it was as easy as that and maybe i am just making up excuses to delay further but I am worried about the logistics. I mean what if they defrost my eggs and sperm and then for some reason lockdown happens again and i can’t get into Cyprus OR what happens if i get there for my three days and then test positive? All real possibilities so do i wait longer an hope the Covid situation will improve or have i waited long enough and just go for it and pray everything falls into place? I think i am verging on the latter, especially not knowing when Covid will be under control. I mean it could be another year or so before a vaccine and i don’t have another year. Each month i am getting older is going to make it harder for this to work because despite my eggs not ageing (because they are frozen) my body is and I don’t want to be a mum who is too old to do all the things mum’s do with their kids, so i really do need to get going pronto!

That being the case I am just waiting for my next period to come. Then I will take the medication i have been prescribed by my clinic for the month prior to treatment and hopefully by the end of November/early December I will be on my way to give this thing a go.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway

If i am being brutally honest I am petrified, not of the treatment or the travel or of getting COVID, but of it NOT working. While I have my eggs frozen and safe i have hope and once I have tried, if it doesn’t work then that hope is gone and if that happens i don’t know how I will deal with that emotionally.

I know I have to give it a go but I am really scared of the outcome. I have had so much disappointment in the past on this journey and at times it has taken strength i didn’t think i had to dig deep and keep going and when I look back i know how far i have come especially after being told over six years ago (at the beginning of my egg freezing journey) that there was no hope at all.

There is a little part of me that thinks about what an amazing tale i will have to tell if and when I hold my biological child in my arms and I want that so very badly, more than anything. I couldn’t imaging my life feeling complete without it, so i think for now i need to hold on to that. Visualising that moment isn’t going to make the devastation any less painful if it doesn’t work so I need to hold on to it right now and not worry about the outcome. I will just deal with the devastation of it not working if and when that happens. There is no point worrying about something that that I can’t control and hasn’t actually happened yet – right!

I read something the other day that said the majority of anxiety that people experience is either from worrying about past or present things it is never from living in the present. I keep thinking about this statement and keep coming back to just how true it really is. When i think about me here and now I have no worry, no uncertainty it is only when i think about what ‘might’ happen that I become anxious, so I just need to trust in the universe, keep breathing and lean into my fear, something I have become quite good at especially over the past six months.

Lets hope by Christmas I will be in a position to look back on 2020 as the year that definitely didn’t go to plan, but it was the year that I got what I really wanted for Christmas……. the feeling of being pregnant!