If someone had told me in my mid 20s that at 45 I would be unmarried and trying to have a child alone using donor sperm, I would have laughed at them. Never in a million years did I think that would be me, yet here I am 45, single and about to do this.
It has taken me a while to come to terms with where I am at. For the longest time I kept telling myself ‘I’ll just wait a little bit longer to see if Mr Right shows up, I have got time’…. you tell this to yourself month in month out, year in year out until one day you wake up and are 45! There is never a time or age that you consciously think ‘ok I now have to do it alone’ you still always hold onto the hope (despite it being completely unrealistic) that Mr Right will show up just in time! I mean even last year at aged 44 when I met someone I thought….. ‘maybe we could do it together’ but the reality is, that is just too much pressure for any person or relationship. I am however now at peace with trying to be a single mum by choice, in fact I think it might be slightly easier in some regards. Through this process I have learnt to care less what people think of my decision, It isn’t their life and of course doing it this way wasn’t my first choice, but sometimes we have to change our plan and make a new one if we are going to reach our dreams and that is exactly what I am doing.
Alone, however i am not…. Obviously I always thought I would be trying to have a baby with the love of my life, but things change and I have had to adapt my story. I am however definitely NOT doing this alone, I have a wonderful network of friends and family supporting me at every turn and I am so thankful for that. One friend in particularly has been my rock and i want to talk about her in this post.
Her mantra is ‘Because no one should have to do it alone’ and those beautiful words are the words of my very best friend (sometimes known as the little sister i never had). I will call her Naomi for the sake of this post, but she knows who she is.
I met Naomi over 10 years ago when we were both volunteering in Africa. She was a fresh graduate taking some time out after uni and I was in my mid 30’s ticking off a bucket list item and probably (although i didn’t realise it at the time) running away from a 7 year relationship that I knew in my heart was not meant to be.
We become friends from the first day we met, her energy was infectious and it was impossible for people not to love being around her. In the past 10 years we have travelled together, worked together, laughed together and cried together. Neither of us is perfect and we both have our ups and downs, but she is most definitely my most treasured friends and always will be no matter where we are in this world.
Through this whole journey she has been there to support, love and cry with me. I remember back to receiving my AMH and FSH blood test results over 5 years ago. For those of you that have read my blog you will remember these were NOT good test results, in fact I was told it was too late for me to even try and freeze my eggs. At that time I went into a state of shock and slight depression. I couldn’t process what I had been told and I didn’t know how to pick myself up again. Naomi, who i am proud to call my best friend got on a plane, flew from where she lived to the UAE, where I was, to be my rock. She picked me up and told me I was NOT giving up and reminded me that nothing good comes easy. She was there for me when I started my first round of egg freezing and had my first injection, in fact I think she may have even given it to me! When she had to leave to fly back home to her life and job, she left me 30 hand written notes, one for each day i was having treatment that month. I was to open one note when I woke up in the morning and these notes would pick me up and keep going in her absence. She was my beacon at sea and she helped me get through one of my most difficult times of my life. I will never forget this and be eternally grateful for her wonderful friendship.
Fast forward to a few months ago and this amazing human who LOVES children (and will be an amazing mum herself one day) didn’t let the fact that she got Furloughed during COVID-19 get her down…. nope, she put her ‘lockdown time’ to good use and trained to be a Doula!
I like to think (slightly selfishly) that it was because she knew I was going to need a birthing partner that she made this decision and that it would of course be her who took that role by my side, so she thought she had better get some ‘training in’, but I know it is because she isn’t just going to be there for me but for hundreds of others out there who need someone by their side when they might feel alone. This is the kind of selfless person she is!
So, whilst i don’t have a partner in the traditional sense of ‘baby making’, i do have a partner in the untraditional sense and someone I know will be my biggest cheerleader, my rock when I need it and the most amazing godmother to my child if I get that far. I am very fortunate!
During this journey some people I have come across have told me that bringing a child into this world with only one parent is a selfish act because this child will only experience the love from one parent, not two. These people don’t know me and they don’t know Naomi! I have so much love in my heart that I am ready to give to a child and I know Naomi has even more! If I am lucky enough to have a child then the love this child will receive from Naomi and I will be way more than some children ever experience from a traditional two parent house hold, so I am confident in knowing that my decision to be a single mum is in fact not in the least bit selfish and whilst it might not be the ‘normal’ way of doing things….. what is normal anymore especially during these unprecedented COVID times…. if what has happened to the world during COVID hasn’t shown people that ‘normal’ isn’t always best, then I don’t know what will. We are in a ‘new normal’ now and its time to embrace this change.