Judgement – a funny thing really, as none of us want to believe we are judgmental people, but in reality aren’t we all?  Likely not meaning to impose our ‘best intention’ opinion on someone else, especially someone we care about and make small digs about how they are living their life, but we all do it and we it seems we can’t seem to help ourselves. But why? I mean how can we know what is ‘right’ for someone else unless we have been in the exact same position they have at the exact same time?

Judgement is something I have experienced quite a lot of on this journey. I expected it to a certain extent, but surprisingly there were people I didn’t expect it from who, seemingly unaware, became very judgmental and then there were those who I had expected judgement from who surprised me with their openness.

I shouldn’t blame people because I know it is only their fear that is triggering the judgement, how could they possibly know what it feels like to be me right now, even I have taken a while to come to terms with how ‘right now’ feels for me.  I, never in a million years, could have imagined myself being 46, single and trying to have a baby using a donor sperm 10 years ago, but here I am.  I think the sooner we accept that life rarely turns out the way we think it will, the better for all of us.  I think so many of us have this inner angst when our actual story isn’t turning out like the childhood story we had envisaged, we feel like we are ‘going against the grain’, we have this un-comfortableness that makes us feel unsettled, off balance.  I know this was definitely what happened for me.  Life wasn’t turning out like the fairy tale I imagined for myself and I could NOT get my head around it.  Friends and family members kept telling me ‘oh don’t worry, your time will come’ but it never did and the older I got the more off balance I felt because life was just not working out the way I had planned and I started to feel like I had failed.

It was only when I realized that I hadn’t failed at all, I just needed to view things completely differently and have a new plan, my own unique plan, not one that everyone else, including myself, had developed for me.  A plan that perhaps not everyone was going to be ‘ok’ with because it wasn’t what they had hoped for me or would hope for themselves, but this new plan was going to be my plan and my reality and actually…….. Isn’t that quite exciting? That I get to have my very own unique plan, not one that most people follow?  The sooner I got my head around that and got on board with the excitement of my own unique plan, the better. I had one life, it was MY life and I had to live it in a way that I felt good about, not how my friends and family wanted me to, not to keep the neighbors and work colleagues from gossiping behind my back, all of that was going to happen anyway, I had to live my life for me, for what I believed was going to give me the most purpose, meaning and freedom.   I needed to be sure that when I got to the end of my life, I had no regrets.  This realization was a big one for me and one that took a lot of time to come to terms with, I lost friends over it but I became more courageous because of it and I knew that as long as I was able to look at myself in the mirror every day and know that I was being true to myself at the core, then that is what would keep me honest and keep me moving forward.

I can assure each and every one of you reading this that there NEVER comes a time in your life, however old you are, whatever your circumstance, when you give up the hope that Mr Right might swoop in on his white stallion and whisk you off your feet and you don’t have to be considering doing this along using a donor sperm.  I mean here I am aged 46 and two weeks away from being artificially inseminated with an embryo using my eggs and a donor sperm and there is still a tiny part of me thinks maybe Mr Right will get here in time! – crazy I know especially because I actually think it might be easier now to do it alone looking around at some of my friend’s relationships, but I still wish for it and I can promise you if you ever find yourself in my position, you too will have this crazy thought that maybe, just maybe Mr Right will get to you in time!

Maybe I should dismiss this thought especially now being so close to this NOT being my reality, but I don’t, I think ‘hope’ is important, but so too is being realistic. I am trying to be open to all possible outcomes good or bad, traditional or unconventional and know that there isn’t one ‘right’ way for everyone to do things and that the ‘right’ way for me will be something that the universe will guide me towards.  This journey has taught me many things but a couple of lessons that will stick with me for life and I like to think are lessons I can take with me to all aspects of my life are ‘care less what other people think’ and ‘be more open to all possible outcomes’.  

To elaborate a little, for the longest time I was so worried about what other people would think of me choosing this journey. I mean I didn’t see it as a choice but for many it was.  Of course this isn’t the way I would want to have a baby if I did have a choice, but I thought it was much better than either living with regret of not trying or of spending my life with someone who didn’t make me happy just to have a baby.  

I was so worried that by taking this path I would be the talk of the town, people would look down on me, I would have ‘failed’ because I wasn’t following the traditional way of doing things.  This may sound stupid but I promise you, this is what goes through your head, particularly if you live in a country (like the UAE) where what I am doing is illegal (being single and having a baby).  The reality is that most of what we think other people are thinking about us is actually in our heads.  There were and are of course people who are going to talk, going to judge, going to tell me I am selfish, tell me they would never take this path or find some other way to make me feel less than adequate because what I am doing is not in keeping with their way of doing things.  That has and likely will continue to happen, but there are also those people who have surprised me along the way, who have told me I am brave, courageous, selfless and will make an amazing mum and these people are the people that have encouraged me to lean into all the fear that I have, be open to all the different possible outcomes and continue on a journey that is scary, sometimes a little lonely and definitely unchartered.  Whatever the ending of my story looks like, I hope that whatever has happened on my journey so far has taught me to worry less what other people think, perhaps even give them the benefit of the doubt and to be open to other possible outcomes in all situations for it is rare that there is only one ‘right’ way to do things.