This blog is about my journey to have a child, well initially about my egg freezing journey but now as I move beyond that its about using these eggs to have a child.  This being the case, I have tried to avoid using it as a place to share relationship ups and downs that I have had with men who have come in and out of my life over the past few years during this process, but this post is going to be slightly different.  It touches on the topic of dating through this journey.  Dating for me is hard enough as it is but add in the topic of egg freezing and donor sperm, particularly in a country (the UAE) where these aren’t ‘talked about’ topics, and it makes dating all the more difficult.

I’ve read a lot about people trying to juggle dating while trying to freeze their eggs and I think its definitely possible to do, in fact I have dated some great guys over the past few years and each of them i have told (early on) about my desire to have a child and how I have frozen my eggs to try and preserve my chances.  Its not an easy thing for a women in her late 30s/early 40s to bring up in the early days of dating particularly in a country where these things aren’t openly talked about, and it seems to be the looming question that gets asked really early on ‘do you have kids?’ ‘do you want kids’.  I think men assume that if you don’t have any by early 40s then you never wanted them or they think ‘oh shit….. she is going to want to settle down tomorrow and get pregnant’ and then that scares them off.

A good guy friend once told me (which was great advice) ‘get the fact that you have frozen your eggs out there early when you start dating someone new, it will take the pressure off those awkward questions and allow you both to relax a little…. trust me a guy will feel relieved.   So, I made the conscious decision early on to talk about the fact that I wanted kids but in the same breath also disclose that I had frozen my eggs to preserve my chances and be non apologetic for this fact, despite where I lived.  I figured if they ‘ghosted me’ after hearing this then they weren’t the guy for me anyway.

The challenge I had was that I met someone who already had kids, didn’t want any more of his own but was very supportive of my journey to use donor sperm to have a child… let me take you back.

Totally unexpectedly, just after I had come to the decision that I was ready to do this alone I walked into a bar one evening in Dubai to meet a guy that I have to say I had no intention of becoming attached to.  Why on earth would I get myself attached to someone when in a few months I would be trying to get pregnant with a donor sperm and have a child… you can’t date someone whilst pregnant with another mans child…. can you? Meeting someone now would be a stupid idea… right??? Well I never said I always made the best decisions, especially when it comes to my heart! But I had a plan and i might be dating him, but I wasn’t going to get attached!

I think at first the fact I wanted nothing from him was what attracted me to him the most.  He had just come out of a long term relationship and so wasn’t looking for anything either, so we were both carefree and just enjoyed each others company.  We talked about my journey to becoming a mum and he talked about challenges he had with being away from his young daughter.  He made it clear that I wasn’t ‘his type’ and I made it clear that I had a plan and no one was going to mess with it.  So to say ‘it was ‘complicated’ was how we defined us as i think we both knew it would never work… This ultimately was probably the reason why I started to want it to!

The odds were against us but what if we just took one day at a time and waited to see what happened.  I knew I wasn’t going to be in the UAE past March, either because I was pregnant or because my work was taking me oversees for a few months, so we just went with the flow and had the best few months I can remember having with someone for a very long time. Not only was he very attractive, he inspired me on an intellectual level and made me laugh.  We were happy together.

I think we both buried our heads in the sand a little as to what actually was going to happen when I hopefully got pregnant…. how was that going to work?  I couldn’t live in the UAE being single and pregnant and he definitely wasn’t ready to marry me, which I would never have wanted him to do for that reason anyway.  I also didn’t want to think about being pregnant in case it didn’t happen, so it was easier to just bury our heads in the sand and enjoy the precious time we had together…… until….we didn’t.

I wish I hadn’t gotten attached as I think deep down I always knew it was going to end in heartbreak.  I was living in this dream world where my knight would ride in at the 11th hour and I would get my ‘happily ever after’… who was I kidding…. not to mention that that is an awful lot of pressure to put on someone who has just come out of a very complicated long term relationship with a child involved.

Moving my eggs from the UK to Cyprus, where i had decided to have treatment for the next step of my journey and where my donor sperm was, took a really long time!  I started the process in January and it was only June that they actually got to their new home.  There was heaps of paperwork and approvals required and co-ordination between clinics and the courier company all across three timezones. It was a process that took a lot longer than I had ever anticipated.  Because the process was dragging on I decided to take the overseas work assignment that I was given from May to August and keep money coming in while I had the luxury of being able to work.  I recall one night mid June having a conference call with the doctor from my clinic in Cyprus to talk about the start of my treatment, during this time I had also decided to buy an apartment in Dubai that I could rent out when I had to leave and would give me something to come back to hopefully one day.  I was juggling late nights at work as my work project ramped up, i was trying to buy a house across timezones and I was discussing with this doctor when I was going to start the process to have a baby.  I do like to keep busy but this was another level!

I said to myself, I’ll finish this work project, head back to the UAE and give myself a month to get settled in the new home and then the next step of the process shall begin.  I got all the prescriptions I needed (had to get these from three different countries as the UAE didn’t have what the doctor prescribed) and moved into my new home and started to prepare myself……. and then the bomb shell hit!

I could tell he started to pull back a little when I told him in March that I likely wouldn’t have put the process off as long as I had if I hadn’t met him…. not meaning this to be any kind of pressure but in hindsight I can see why this ‘overshare’ could have been a trigger for him to pull back.  There was also the moment when he asked why I had never asked him for his sperm, I am not sure if he was offended that I hadn’t or was worried that I might but I was totally honest with him and told that I knew he didn’t want to have any more kids and that it had actually never even crossed my mind to consider him as my sperm donor.  I didn’t want to complicate our situation any more than it already was and I was good with my decision to hopefully conceive using a sperm donor.

Over the summer while I was oversees on my work assignment he visited me which was unexpected.  I had thought him starting to pull back was a sign that things were going to run their course and that what was really inevitable from even the night we first met (that we weren’t going to have a future together), was about to happen, but I think his visit to see me 17 hours away gave me hope that maybe he was in this thing with me.

I returned to the UAE mid August, he was away at this time but I eagerly awaited his return and was excited at what the future held for me and for us, we had talked about him moving into this apartment I had purchased and that when it was time for me to hopefully leave the UAE he would likely rent it from me.

It was a week before his return that I received a text message from him which broke my heart. It said something along the lines of…. ‘I can’t wait to see you and the apartment, but I think you should know that I have started to get involved with someone else, I hope you don’t hate me’ and then signed ‘I love you and I hope we can be the best of friends’.

What was I to do with that?  A million thoughts went through my mind ranging from… how could he do this to me? how could he do this now? maybe he had done me a favour…. forced me to move on and get on with your journey? maybe he was scared of what our future held? Maybe he wanted to end things before we were forced to deal with our reality or maybe he simply didn’t really love me and wanted to be happy with someone else?

Its still pretty raw if I am being honest and its hard for me to grasp that he didn’t see a future for us, particularly when I think back to the amazing times we spent together and the connection we fought but clearly had.  We didn’t spend masses of time talking about the future, for me that was because my future was so uncertain…. for him, possible because he didn’t see a future with me, I don’t know,  but we did talk about starting businesses together, he told me once that I was the smartest girl he had ever met and one day I’d be one of his CEO’s (quite possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me).

I still don’t really know or understand what happened or why it happened how and when it did, but I definitely felt side swiped.  I probably should have seen it coming, but I didn’t.  They do say ‘love is blind’, or maybe I just didn’t want to see it, I’m not quite sure.   But I’m sitting here today writing this post trying so desperately hard to stay positive and trust that people come in and out of our lives for reasons and at the time we may well not know what these reasons are, but over time these reasons become clear.

And so now I know I need to dig deep, try to mend my heart and rebuild myself to the ‘Super Girl’ he used to tell me I was and who I know I am and believe that he has, infact, done me a favour and that if he is supposed to be part of my life in the future then this will happen and if not then the reason for us meeting will become clear over time.  Its hard to believe this but I know right now this is the only choice that I have.

If you are reading this you are probably wondering what on earth Vegas has to do with my journey to have a baby! This is a fair thing to be wondering and this post is definitely a little different to previous posts about stimulation injections, panic attacks and egg collection! But this post is very much part of my “having a baby” journey in more ways than I initially thought…. let me tell you how.

So now I have made the decision to do this next chapter alone, chosen my clinic, selected my donor sperm and I am in the process of organizing to ship my eggs from my clinic in the UK to the clinic I have chosen in Cyprus, it is just a matter of time until I try and get pregnant. The thought terrifies me to be honest, but as I wrote in my “It’s Time” post, a few weeks ago, I’m trying to just “close my eyes, breathe calmly and trust that the universe will guide me wherever I am meant to be”.

The first sign I had from the universe since my  2019 “self proclaimed” need to trust it will show me the way, helped me make my decision on clinic and donor sperm (read ‘It’s a Minefield out there’) and the second sign that is telling me I’m exactly where I need to be on my journey is explained in this post!

So… with the process of shipping my eggs to Cyprus underway (apparently can take upto two months!) and a last minute business trip to the USA, I decided to extend my business trip by 36 hours and go to Las Vegas for a “rockstar” like weekend, that could well be my last of its type, for a very long time. I love Vegas, not too often, once or twice a year at most, but it has good energy. You can just go there, go hard and then go home.  And that is exactly what I intended to do, let it be my “last horrah” before trying to get pregnant I told myself!

I spoke to a couple of friends who live in the US and tried to persuade them to come and join me for 36 hours of Vegas fun, but was unsuccessful in my attempts, so I decided to go it alone. I needed to get braver about doing more on my own, it’s always so rewarding when I do, I learn so much about myself and grow as an individual, so this would be a good test to go it alone and just live and be open to whatever adventure was in store.

I needed to get serious about getting my body in the best possible shape for a pregnancy, I didn’t need any reasons for getting pregnant not to work, other then my already aged eggs I had frozen.  I worked hard for those eggs, so I wanted to make sure I was giving them the best possible chance to survive and that was having a healthy body as an incubator.  This trip would be a good chapter close of “what was” and a great segway to what hopefully “will be”…and to do this there would need to be some serious healthy living, lots of sleep and a much less selfish approach to my-life! ie: you can’t just decide to go to Vegas for 36 hours on your own!

The plan for Vegas was not to sleep much, gamble like no one was watching and party like a rockstar, then on the long 18 hour flight home sleep like a baby and wake up back in the UAE all grown up and ready to be responsible and adjusted to hopefully being a parent. I knew this trip to Vegas was likely going to be the last one for me for a very long time, or maybe ever, so I was going to make it a good one!

After a hectic three days of business meetings on the East and West coast, I departed San Francisco Friday early evening and was Vegas bound, I had 36 hours to live it large!

I arrived at 8pm and 10 hours in I had  gambled away US$ 800, drank copious vodka redbulls and hadn’t slept in 24 hours so although I hadn’t planned on sleeping at all while I was there (needed to maximize every hour of this short trip) it was 6am and I was exhausted and I knew if I didn’t have at least a few hours of sleep I would never last the 36 hours!

I woke after 2 hours, ravenous, so I had some breakfast and then hit the casino again. I was down about US$1,000 when I won what was called a “Major Jackpot” it was $1,500. In heinsight it wasn’t that major at all, but I was just so excited I had won anything! This $1,500, would pay for my trip and as I was trying to be a bit more cost conscious lately, (knowing I’m going to be forking out a lot of money in a few months to pay for my treatment), I was thrilled with my win.

After a brief 4 hour nap to sleep off the excitement of winning, I headed back to the casino and was approached by a very official looking man as I slid another hundred into my “guilty pleasure of a machine”.  This formal man was in fact the hotel casino manager, he knew exactly who I was and where I was and wanted to come and introduce himself and tell me that he’d taken care of my room and food bill as it was “on them” now that I was a jackpot winner (his exact words!!!!!), and if I were ever to come to Vegas again I should email him and he would “sort out” my room free of charge!

Well if my win earlier wasn’t enough, I now had basically a free trip….. and an invite for a future trip, this was epic! Definitely worth my last big rockstar weekend in Vegas!

With this great news in hand, I thought it only fitting that I spend the money I had set aside to cover the two nights of hotel and food for the trip, on the slot machines!

I packed my suitcase, showered, changed and then gave myself 4 hours in the casino until I had to leave for my flight at 3am.

It was 2.15am I’d had a good night, a few drinks, lots of fun games, slots and blackjack and it was almost time to leave. I thought…. just one last game before I must go and get my bags and head to the airport. I found my favorite slot machine, slipped in a 50 and hit the “spin belt” button.

Seconds later everything was a blur…A massive “Grand Jackpot” picture came on the screen of the machine, sirens stared whaling, lights flashing….. I started shaking…. I had won US$21,000!!!!!

Almost instantly I was surrounded by several members of Casino staff congratulating me.  I literally didn’t know what to do, I think I was in shock. I really wanted to jump on the chair and shout “fuck yeah, Vegas baby, that’s what I’m talkin about” but obviously being on my own and British, I thought better of it, I needed to act cool, take this in my stride, this kind of thing happens to people like me all the time!!!! Yeah right, who was i kidding! I have never won anything in my life, this kind of thing NEVER happens to people like me!!!!! I had won the grand jackpot in Las Vegas!!!! I was a jackpot winner!

I think I was in shock and In disbelief at least for the next few hours, people were asking me how I was going to spend the money and instantly I thought to myself, this whole thing is a sign….. here I was in Vegas for my last horrah before trying to have a baby on my own, I had 5 minutes before I needed to get going to the airport and get back to “reality” and I win a jackpot!!!!

If I am ever lucky enough to have a child then they are going to know they were a very special type of “Vegas baby”, not the kind you would never tell your child about, but the kind that makes a great story, the kind you do tell your friends and family about. So with this amazing 36 hours behind me and a clear sign from the universe that I am where I need to be, I am thankful that someone is watching down on me on this amazing and eventful journey to hopefully one day become a solo mum.

I am the member of a couple of Facebook groups, one that was specifically set up for single females wanting to have a baby on their own and another group that is specifically for people wanting to do IVF abroad. Both groups are filled with people from all walks of life, each with their own unique story. I often wonder if there is anyone in either group who has a story like mine, but as yet I haven’t found anyone.

Most are using fresh eggs or doing double donation (donated eggs and sperm) rather than using their own frozen eggs it seems.  So whilst it’s comforting to know there are people in similar situations to me, it seems everyone’s journey is different and you are intact alone in your own personal journey. I think what this means to me is that I know what’s ultimately best for me. I know my body well and whilst there are medical options, friendship opinions and options of others who have been in similar situations, I must trust my gut for this next chapter.

I am in the process of choosing a clinic which in itself is a mine field. As a single women doing this there are some countries that won’t treat you (eg: Czech Republic), then because I think I want to use an anonymous sperm donor there are some countries (such as the UK) that don’t allow that, then there are countries like Spain who choose the sperm donor for you. Then you look at Greece and there are some good, highly recommended options there, but many clinics there haven’t had experience with using frozen eggs, so at the moment it is a process of elimination, what clinics in what counties can I use. Once I have determined that, I think a Phone consultation with each of the shortlisted ones and the follow my gut.

Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will have made my decision and then it will be moving on to transporting my eggs and picking the donor sperm  so many decisions to make!

 

I said when I started this blog that I wasn’t going to name people or places, but due to the lack of unprofessionalism I have experienced along my journey so far I think that others deserve to know what places/services to avoid and if my experience can help in anyway prevent them from having the same bad experience as me then I am ok with sharing names.

In this post I talked about a transportation company I paid to move my frozen eggs from my old clinic to my new clinic. My new clinic had recommended this transportation company and so I didn’t think twice but to go with them.  That was a mistake on my part as I should have done much more research.  If i had done that I would likely have found this blog that that talks about the exact same company I used and came into trouble with – Kynisi Courier System Ltd.  A word of advice – do not use them to transport any of your frozen matter.  They never completed my job and are now refusing to refund my money.

When I started this blog there were many things I didn’t know and whilst I am still relatively speaking an amateur at this whole thing I do feel that I have learnt so much and usually I have had these lessons the hard way.  This is my main motivation why I continue to write.  I have no idea if anyone is reading or if anyone ever will but I hope that I am able to make a few people’s journey just a little easier because of what I have been through.  I also hope that these IVF clinics start to take just a little more responsibility for the moral obligation they have in the role they are playing.

I won’t say it is all clinics at all because so far my ‘new’ clinic has been nothing but transparent and professional and my Doctor in the UAE has been very supportive of me and my journey all the way through, but my ‘old’ clinic has time and time again demonstrated that they are in this for the money and that it is purely a business to them and each patient a business transaction!

I never thought I would go public with names for reasons both good and bad but as I sit here tonight faced against yet another hurdle in my journey over finances with my ‘old’ clinic I come very close to disclosing who they are and making a formal complaint about them to HEFA (the UK governing body).

I wrote in the ‘Moving my most prized possessions‘ post about how it has only come to light now but that my ‘old’ clinic has been charging me £80/round more than they should be.  They told me that no matter if a round went ahead or not they had to charge me £80 as this is the money they paid to HEFA on day 2 of stimulation.  It is only when I switched clinic that I was told by my ‘new’ clinic this was not true at all!

I would like to think that ‘old’ clinic made an honest mistake but when I go as far as to think that then it begs the question of  ‘are they really experts in this whole IVF/egg freezing process’? because if they were surely they would have known there was no HEFA fee on egg freezing except if/when the eggs are used!

So giving ‘old’ clinic the benefit of the doubt that this really was an honest mistake, you would think once they admitted their wrong doing they would be keen to settle the overcharged amount with me asap to close this issue!  Sadly this is not they case.  Now they are saying that they will only refund me the £80 for the rounds that were NOT purchased as part of a package.  When I challenged this I spoke to a different member of staff (the initial member has left the company – turnover in this clinic seems to be exceptionally high!) who said that HEFA fees are NEVER part of a package, either way she will only refund me where they can see that HEFA fees have been paid separately.

I have had to spend hours going through emails, finding receipts to prove that intact i have paid £80 HEFA fees for all 19 rounds.  The other alarming factor is that they only seem to think I have done 18 rounds with them.  I have done 20 (see all rounds documented under ‘my journey’) but one was cancelled before it started so I didn’t even tell the UK clinic about this one so for their purposes I have done 19 rounds with them and their documentation can’t even tell them that!  It is a real worry!

I am going to give them another few days but we are talking about the difference of about £500 pounds here for a mistake they made for wrongly charging me and probably many other patients.  I am not asking for any more than they wrongly charged me, I could be asking them for three years worth of interest on the amount they wrongly charged me!  I am not sure why I am the one who is having to dig through emails and paperwork when they were the ones that made the mistake!

I have expressed that I hope they have contacted all the other patients affected with their error.  I have been told they have done but I honestly wouldn’t hold my breath.  So I will see what happens over the next week but I am at the point that if they don’t pay me what is due to me I think I am going to seek legal advise.  This clinic has take advantage just one too many times!